Ugh

Okay so I've got some venting to do...
     I have a huge amount of emotions (about the upcoming surgery) that vary from fear to dread to pain. Sometimes the emotions are so intense and there are so many of them that it's hard to process them all. For the most part I have them handled, as best as possible. But as I sat on Amaya's bed holding her hand and waiting for her to fall asleep, I just couldn't help but cry. Just a wave of emotion came over me and I couldn't help but just feel it. I don't even think I can pinpoint what caused it, or what emotions were so overwhelming. Just something about Amaya sleeping so calmly and breathing so deeply, and holding my hand, that just overtook me. The sweetness of the moment, the knowledge of all that's to come...it was just too much. So I cried (we all need a good cry every once in awhile, don't we?). Then I came upstairs and cuddled Josh on the couch. He lightened the mood by teasing me, "you don't have to cry, it's not like I'm breaking up with you." I'm so glad I have him with me; to lighten the mood, keep me going, comfort me, and be a voice of reason. He reminded me of just how good we do have it, and how much worse it could be. I know he's right. And the logical part of me keeps my emotions in line. It's so hard to head into such a tough situation balancing emotions and logical reasoning. Preparing for a lengthening surgery is difficult, especially when it's for your child. It's a lot easier to look forward to a surgery, or want to "just get it over with" when it's for you, but when it's for your child, it's a totally different story. It's a whole different kind of pain and stress. And I'm not sure if there's a right way to prepare or to handle things. I'm just doing the best with what I have and who I am.
     The night before I was looking at a blog of a little boy who had a fixator on when he was three. I've visited this site many times and love reading all the posts; they're so helpful. But the night before Josh found a link on the site for pin site photos. I can't believe I've never found them. Looking at them made me feel queasy. They were all close ups and "graphic." Although I was thankful for the candid photos it was almost a little "too close to home." Some showed blood, pus, redness, etc. Seeing them made me feel so much empathy for that little boy and his family, then for Amaya and us. Ugh. Sometimes "ugh" just sums things up perfectly.
Thanks for letting me vent.