It's hard to believe Amaya will be having her surgery in less than a week. A few weeks ago we were worried that with the covid surges they might cancel or postpone her surgery. Amaya was very nervous about this. She's been looking forward to getting some pain relief for quite awhile that just the possibility of it being postponed increased her anxiety. I called the orthopedic scheduling department and they reassured us that they weren't planning to cancel Amaya's procedure. They said they are postponing some elective surgeries for adults but at this point none for children. Amaya was quite relieved and it was nice to have some answers and a definite plan.
We've been busy preparing for our trip and our time away from home. Its quite different having a surgery when you're less than an hour from home to one where you're twelve hours away. This time around Josh, Amaya and myself will be going along. Lidie will be staying home with a family friend and continuing to go to school.
At this point we leave in three days. Yikes! We will pick up our family friend from the airport who will be staying with Lidie and giving her one of our cars to use. Then Sunday we will continue our trip to southern California. Monday Amaya has to have blood work done and then a covid test. With less than a week to go Amaya is feeling good. She's not nervous, anxious, scared or worried. She's just relieved to be getting it done and taken care of. I'm so glad she's in such a good headspace and ready for it. She's such a strong kid and handles all this with such strength and calmness.
This past weekend Lidie got sick with a minor cold. I made sure to keep her masked and away from Away as much as possible. Then Sunday night I got a fever and had to stay home for two days. I was bummed to have to miss work so close to an already planned absence but it was unavoidable. When I got my fever I was so worried that I would give it to Amaya and jeopardize her surgery. I've been wearing a mask around her, even at home. We've all been taking vitamins and staying healthy so it was disappointing to see Lidie then myself get sick. I'm so relieved Amaya is doing well! We're working hard to keep her that way.
I had the pre-op appointment with the anesthesia department yesterday. It went well; we reviewed information and went over some of the possible complications and things we need to do (blood work and covid test, and other general instructions). The phone call was pretty much the same as the in person ones are. Direct, matter of fact and informative. Once I hung up I felt my body tingle and my heart ache. It's hard to describe. The surgery just felt so real and soon. I could feel pain inside me start to rise. It's pain that comes from deep within. The part of you that as a parent would do anything to prevent your child from being in pain or having to suffer. It's knowing that she will and that you are powerless to remove it. Its wishing she didn't have to deal with any of this, yet being honored to be her mother to be here to help her. It's knowing that there will be tough moments and days and remembering all the pain of the past that she's endured. Before I knew it I was crying. That ugly uncontrollable crying that doesn't go away and comes so quickly you can't stop it. I didn't fight it, I knew it was in there and just had to come out. I was aware that I was feeling so much and so intensely yet couldn't put the words to what I was feeling. I was speechless. I cried and cried until I finally stopped. The great thing about crying is that its healing and expresses the feelings that have no words. Those complex, multi-layered feelings that we're not sure how to describe. I sat there relieved and focused on all the good. Theres a lot of it!
For the next few days we are working to keep Amaya healthy, safe and her spirits up. Lidie sprained her ankle yesterday at basketball practice so we're masking sure she's okay and trying to spend as much quality time with her as we can. She's on crutches so its good practice for us all. She even used Amaya's shower chair and said it worked nicely. And I'm trying to rest and get better (I know I will need all my strength next week). Then we need to finish our to-do list, pack and start our trip down south.
We're grateful for all the good thoughts and love. Thank you all.
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