amaya at lake

amaya at lake

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Fears

     Fear seems quite normal for me. I'm a pretty big scaredy cat. Growing up I was afraid of the dark, sharks, the "boogie man," and any scary movie ever made. I'm not sure if others are as scared as me, or scare easily. But some fears are normal, aren't they? Don't we all fear many things? Don't we strive to conquer those fears? I know I have.
     Lately I've noticed the things that Amaya's afraid of or intimidated by. Like today when she arrived to nutcracker rehearsal and the room was filled with lots of kids practicing their parts. She paused, looked up at me and said "okay, I don't wanna be here, let's go." I gave her a hug, a kiss and told her that she is brave, strong, amazing and can do anything. And off she went, just like that. And as I watched her rehearse, she did great! So maybe sometimes fears are insecurities or sometimes they're nerves. And sometimes we can conquer them.
     Later when we went trick or treating thru town at the local shops we saw many spooky, creepy, gruesome and scary costumes. I tried to play it cool(even though I'm very afraid of scary things). The fact that it was day time and I was the only adult with my girls, forced me to really act cool. Amaya kept pointing out the ones that scared her, at times she'd ask if we could avoid them. I reminded her that they were people dressed up, just like she was. I later had to remind myself that very same thing, when I saw Michael Myers(from the Halloween movie) starring in my direction. Before I went into full panic mode, I had to remember that even if it was him, he wouldn't try to kill me in front of all these people in broad daylight, would he? I don't know, I've never seen the movies.
     Amaya has one reccuring fear that she just can't shake. And even though we seem to calm and reassure her, it still comes back. She has a fear of dying. It all started around the time she went in for her surgery. Which I understand, but I hoped that it wouldn't have stuck around. It's not often, that she brings it up, just every once in awhile. For instance the other night on the drive to Las Vegas she told us that she never forgets anything (that's pretty true) even dying. Her dad said "dying? How can you remember dying if you've never done it?" "Well that I'm afraid of it, that's what." And it reminded me that somewhere inside of her, she has this fear. Perhaps it's still looming, since she knows she has another surgery coming up. I'm not sure. We talk to her about it, calm her, reassure her, are honest, and answer her questions. That's the best we can do, although it does sadden me.
     I'm glad that it isn't debilitating or affecting her life;it doesn't limit her, affect her sleep or eating. It's just there. I'll just continue to give her the information, love and reassurance she needs.

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