amaya at lake

amaya at lake

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Ten o'clock

     I'm not sure what it is about ten o'clock, but Amaya has been waking up crying at ten every night this week. Tonight she got up out of bed and walked all the way in the hallway crying. I rubbed her knee and she fell asleep pretty quickly. Some nights she goes back to sleep pretty easily, others she'll cry and moan for hours.
    This morning when she woke up she was tired and cranky. I think the poor sleep is catching up with her. Not to mention all the walking she's doing at school and how hard she worked at therapy.  She had a good day at school today. Josh sent me a text in the morning saying that he saw her during recess and she was busy playing with some friends. She said a quick hello then was off to play with her friends some more.  She had P.E. today and really enjoyed that. After school she told Josh that she had some pain on the side of her knee, but didn't think she needed pain medication.
   When Josh and Amaya got home he asked me to ask her about the pictures she saw on the iPad on the way home. When I asked her she showed me some pictures that I had loaded on there to show her classmates before her surgery. I tried talking to her about them, but she was very quiet and said that she didn't' want to talk about it. I kept pressing her, but she kept saying that she didn't want to talk about it. I told her that, that was fine, but that if she wanted to talk to someone she could (us, her teacher, a counselor, etc). She said no, so I gave her some space. When I asked Josh about it he said that in the car she was playing on the iPad then said, "these are giving me nightmares." When he asked what she was talking about she told him about the pictures. When he tried talking to her about it, she said "don't worry I'm not looking at them anymore."

      These are most of the pictures she looked at. There's a couple more showing her with her cast, and two in the hospital right before she headed back to surgery. In one she's giving a peace sign and in the other its a picture of her knee where the doctor marked it for surgery. None of the pictures were gory or gross or showed her in pain. For some reason just seeing them bothered her and made her feel like it was a "nightmare." It's hard to understand what she thinks, feels and how she processes things. She's only six and only time will tell how she feels about them and what she remembers.
    After talking with her I had to leave for a meeting. On the drive down I cried most of the way. And on the way back as well. Even as I'm typing I'm teary eyed. It makes me so sad to think that she has such ill feelings and bad memories of her surgeries. The fact that they've hurt her not only physically, but mentally and emotionally saddens me. I'm at a loss for words. I have such a great deal of pain and sadness. Like Josh said, "the fact that they've stayed with her" is just sad. It wears me down to see her in pain day in and day out, but to know that these memories will stay with her so much longer, just breaks my heart. 
     I'm full on crying now and I wish I had something positive or up-lifting to say, to myself and to other parents on a journey like ours. But, right now I'm at a loss for words. Because sometimes things just hurt, sometimes its just sadness and pain that you feel. And right now is one of those times for me. This whole journey has been incredibly tiring, draining and difficult. This added sadness is just too much to add to my plate right now. 
   Tomorrow will be a new day, I will wipe away my tears and focus on taking care of Amaya and Lidie. For all of you who pray or send positive thoughts our way please continue to do so. We're feeling the effects of six months of life with a fixator. Knowing that we have at least three more months is also tiring, but we'll press on. If we've survived six months I'm sure we can survive three more. 

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