Baby shower blues

     Today I went to an old friends baby shower. This was one of the first times I had been away from the girls since we've been home from the hospital (two weeks ago). On my way I felt kind of weird being away from the girls; one part relaxed, one part nervous. Similar to when you leave your baby for the first time. It's strange as I drove I got a bit teary eyed, for no particular reason. It hit me that when I'm with the girls, especially Amaya I try to "keep it together" so they don't feed off of my energy, but now that I was alone I could and had to deal with all the thoughts, emotions and stress from the last few days and weeks. It felt good to just release. I remembered a compliment an old boss of mine gave me a long time ago. She said that I was like a duck. Sitting on the water they look so calm and relaxed, but below water they're paddling like crazy. She said that's how I was when I worked with kids, and that when things were hectic I still looked so calm. I always remember that compliment because it meant so much to me. And I feel that it applies to me now. No matter how nuts things are with Amaya or how much I'm paddling like crazy, I try to look calm, for their sake. Trust me, this isn't always true, Josh can tell you of many times when I loose my cool.
    After that I felt good, even happy and proud. As I arrived at the baby shower I realized that I was lost. I drove around for an hour, which I really didn't even mind that much. I tried to just enjoy the "break." But then I started to text people for help and when a friend let me know that I was in the wrong city, I started crying and sobbing. I felt so overwhelmed and defeated. I texted Josh "Oh my gawd! I'm gonna lose it." At that moment getting lost was just too much too bear. I  caught myself thinking, "Why is this bothering me? I don't let everything else that's going on bother me like this. Why this?" All the other things right now, I can handle, I have too. But, anything extra feels like just too much. I'm spending all my energy and focus and time on the things required each day (taking care of the girls) that I don't have energy or time for any other drama (even something small like getting lost). Thankfully Josh called me and calmed me, comforted me and reassured me. After talking with him, I felt fine. Then went to the shower and had a wonderful time, seeing old friends, and meeting new ones. It was great, I love baby showers.
   When I got back home everyone was doing good and did great without me. It's nice to know that dad can hold down the fort while I'm gone. The house was a bit measier than I would have had it, but other than that, things were great. And Josh and Amaya surprised me with a creation; a fixator for one of Amaya's Barbies. It looks so good. Here's a couple pictures.

Here's her Barbie with the fixator. They made it out of the packaging materials that came with Amaya's journey girls doll. We've been saving them since her love party for such an occasion.

Here's a close up. I'm amazed by the detail! They made sure to have three "pin site" areas, gauze and the bandage on her hip. It's pretty cool.

     Later my sister in law and her two kids came over to visit. This is the first time they've seen Amaya since she's been home. She loved the company, and so did Lidie. They played and had fun for hours. Amaya got to hold her baby cousin Kailei, which she loved. It certainly put a smile on her face! Amaya showed Myhkiah her fixator, and explained what it was for and how it worked. Later he tried sitting in her wheelchair and riding around. Amaya walked in her walker for a bit and impresssed her aunt Lacy and grandma. Both of them were very encouraing and supportive of us. It's always nice to hear words of praise and encouragement.
    After they left Lidie fell asleep quickly, withing five minutes. She was worn out from all the fun playing! After I put Lidie down I changed Amaya's gauze and did her nightime routine to prep for bed. Gauze changing wasn't too bad. I did take some pictures and I'm posting them below. If you don't want to see them then don't look down (some of you might not want to see them and that's okay). They're not too bad, in fact the pin sites all look the best they have. Hopefully showing them will allow you to see and understand what her pin sites look like, why they bother her and what we're dealing with. Thanks again for reading.

Here's Amaya with cousin Kailei. 

Here's Amaya's shin. She offered to help remove the gauze tonight, but then decided not to.

These are the pin sites in her shin. This is pretty much how these pins have looked since we came home. The doctor said they look good and that she doesn't need gauze on them, but she insists on it so that she doesn't have to see them. Out of sight, out of mind. She thinks the dark parts (the scabs) are holes into her leg (I guess they kind of are, but she thinks they're open holes).

These are the middle pins. They're right above her knee. There's three pins here as well, but they're hard to see because the picture is kind of blurry (sorry) and the angle that I took it from. Also, these pins are very close together, unlike the other two pin sites. These are a little red and have a little "gunk" on them, but not too bad. When she first had her fixator attached, these are the pins that had the most bleeding and drainage. 

This is the set of pins highest on her thigh. This is the first time that we see any type of scab on the highest pin (the one on the left). Maybe its healing? These are the pins that bother her the most (when she moves, in the shower, when we change the gauze, etc.) and she really doesn't like looking at these.

This is the same area once I apply new gauze. I add several layers so that it's all covered and she doesn't get any peaks at the pin sites.