50/50

     Last night Josh and I rented the movie 50/50. I had a promo code to use at Redbox, so the movie was free, which is always a nice treat. After a long hard day I wanted to relax and cuddle on the couch. The movie is based on the true story of Seth Rogen (an actor) and his friend  Will Reiser (a writer). In the movie the main character, Adam, finds out he has a rare form of cancer. The film follows not only how Adam, but how his family and friends respond and deal with the diagnosis. I won't say too much about the film because I recommend you watch it for yourself (and I don't want to ruin any of it for you). I will say this though; I was surprised by the humor that they were able to bring to the subject. There was a good balance of drama and comedy.
     Watching it I couldn't help feel a deep sense of empathy for anyone who has such a diagnosis to deal with.  And a deep sense of appreciation that Amaya doesn't have a condition quite so serious. Something that struck me was a line that a therapist in the movie says. She said that when a person is in survival mode, a person becomes numb to feelings and feels "fine." I knew exactly what she meant. I see that in myself. During the last surgery, and even in preparing for this next one I find myself getting into a state of numbness. I'm sure its a survival technique. A person can't live under a constant state of stress and high emotions. You can't function that way, I can't function that way. And what's funny is that the big things seem to be easier to handle than the little things.
     The part in the movie that was the most emotional for me was when Adam was preparing to go into surgery. Watching him deal with the emotions heading into a big surgery (fear, shock, hope, despair, loneliness, pain, etc.). I was so moved, and I wondered what Amaya was feeling those hours before her surgery ( getting her IV, waiting in the pre-op room, being wheeled away from us, waking up from anesthesia, etc.). My poor sweet little girl has dealt with such intense emotions and fears. And she will do it again in about a month. At this point I couldn't wipe the tears from my face quick enough. Knowing that she would feel any of that is too much for this mother's heart to bear.